I'm not actually sure why this site exists. Well, that's not entirely true - I did have a plan for it, but it didn't work out. So here we are. Let's be clear, I don't need a job, I don't want your money (unless you're in the market for some texting gloves), hell - I don't even want to friends. Well, enough of the niceties - let's talk about me. As is likely evident from the site address, my name is Lincoln McCardle - although here on the intertubes I'm more well-known as Canucklehead. I'm a middle-aged married father-of two living in Southwestern Ontario who enjoys a lot of things, which include (but are not limited to) beer, travel, online contests, reading, napping, video games, beer and hanging with my family. (Yes, I know I said beer twice -- I REALLY like beer.) What else can I tell you?
There are only 2 types of people: those who love me right away and those who take a few minutes. I am a loveable yet complex individual, often seen ice-sculpting and dominating pinball machines. I translate ethnic slurs for Korean refugees (Best Korea only), I write award-winning infomercials, I manage time efficiently. I won the 2004 Indy 500 on foot. (I use the singular here because I lost a leg during a nasty pileup on lap 43.) Occasionally, I juggle chainsaws for days on end. I have it on good authority that Chuck Norris wears Lincoln McCardle pyjamas.
I amaze everyone with my sensuous and godlike kazoo playing and I have served as ghost editor for GQ, Hustler AND Cat Fancy magazines since the late 90s. I can piss like a racehorse on demand. I am an expert in bootlegging and the erotic arts, amateur speech pathologist and an outlaw in 6 provinces and 11 states. I was a 3rd round draft pick for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Justin Bieber is roughly based on me.
Using only a plastic shovel, 14 broken toothpicks, a VCR (Betamax) and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly quashed the attempted coup of a South American country that will for the time remain unnamed. When I'm bored, I work on my growing collection of Twillight- themed porn movie scripts and finalize the details for my upcoming chain of vegetarian chop-houses (Salad Gold). I design obstacles for the show 'Wipeout" in my spare time and moonlight as a safety consultant for BP.
I am a thoroughbred butterfly breeder, a interpretive dance instructor, and a ruthless bookie. David Hasselhoff uses me as a personal trainer before drinking contests. Last summer, I toured Nova Scotia with a traveling demonstration team specializing in Jedi mind tricks. I am at least partially responsible for putting the 'dix' in the Dixie Chicks. I screen Bill Murray's calls.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami and ultimate hopscotch. I am currently ranked 11th in the PGA all-time money list. I developed a method by which smoking becomes a cure for cancer. I do Rod Blagojevich's hair.
My work is done here. Now you know. Well, you think you know, but you have no idea ...